Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Day 269 - "I want a girl who will laugh for no one else..."

Comedy is easy, Girls are hard.

Yesterday at the gym I saw a cute red headed girl I hadn't ever seen before in the usual circle of misfits I run into. Other than the fact that she had finely toned abs, and probably could give Felicia Day (inset, my current game girl/actress crush) a run for her money, I knew nothing about her. I debated approaching her, but decided instead to run a series of scenarios through my head of possible conversations we'd have.

***
(Near the inclined crunch machine)
Matt: Hey there.
Felicia (I guess): Hi.
M: I haven't seen you in this gym before.
F: Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to get the word out to all my stalkers. Your name must have slipped through the cracks.
M: Oh, you don't have to worry about all those other guys. I took care of them.
F: Funny. I'm Felicia.
M: I'm Matt.
F: Nice to meet you, Matt.
M: I love you.
F: Uhh...what?

***
(On the exercise bikes)
M: Hi. Whatcha listenin' to?
F: The Decemberists.
M: Cool, cool. I'm more of an 'Septemberists' man, myself.
F: Hah.
M: That was dumb, I know. I'm sorry, I'm no good at this stuff.
F: I can tell. I'm Felicia.
M: I'm Matt. And I've got dibs on the name 'Septemberists', by the way.
F: Fair enough. Nice to meet you, Matt.
M: Please don't reject me.
F: Uh...what?

***
(Near the free weights)
M: (approaching the heaviest weights) Damn, is this the highest they go?
F: You want heavier? I think those right there weigh more than you do.
M: Exactly. A man who can't lift his body weight with each arm isn't serious about fitness.
F: Heh, that's interesting advice. What about women?
M: Well, if you wanna break through the glass ceiling, I suppose I have to hold you to the same standard.
F: Guess I better start bulking up then.
M: Take your time.
F: I'm Felicia, by the way.
M: I'm Matt...
F: Nice to meet you, Matt.
M: ...and every other guy in here is more worthy of you than I am - talk to one of them instead.
F: Uh...what?

***
(On the treadmill)
M: (panting, turning off the machine) I...I win!
F: I'm sorry?
M: I beat you.
F: I didn't know we were racing.
M: Oh, we totally were. Looks like you owe me a drink.
F: Hah...oh really?
M: Yup. And you can't bail on me 'cause you know I'm faster than you, and I can catch up with you at any time...
F: That's funny. Ok, funny man. Why don't we start with our names. I'm Feli...
M: JUST BREAK MY HEART ALREADY!
F: Uh...what?

***
(In the women's locker room)
M: Hmm, which locker did I use today?
F: What the fuck are you doing, you're in the women's locker room!
M: Ah. I knew something was wrong when I didn't see a bunch of hairy backs and shriveled sacks! Eh? Ehh??
F: Get out you freak!!
M: I hate you. No...just kidding. I just said that because I love you.
F: Uh...what?

I can get on stage in front of an audience every week and, along with my fellow improvisers, make up a show on the spot without an ounce of doubt in my mind, but all I can think about when I see a pretty girl is my potential for failure.

-Matt

Yeah, but I'd still rather be playing: As Darth Vader's secret apprentice!

2 comments:

lalala said...

you are funny. this is a fact. me and jenny are coming to your show tonight!

Brett Sheingold said...

That's really creepy brah.