Saturday, October 11, 2008

Day 280 - "It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine..."

After watching three Terminator movies and following the adventures of one Sarah Connor, I can't help but wonder if Skynet is really the threat to humanity it claims to be. For a superior, sentient artificial intelligence with access to our entire nuclear arsenal, it actually seems to be fairly inefficient at wiping man from the Earth.

I apologize in advance to the people of the world - but I'm going to go ahead and spell out a list of ways in which Skynet could easily accomplish their goal:


1) THE OBVIOUS!: Ok, so first and foremost, let's get this out the way. You are going to win any kind of war against us in the long term. The bottom line is we're human, and you're not. We need to eat, drink, sleep, and theoretically procreate at some point. Every time one of us dies, it'll be probably at least another say, 15 years before that person is replaced by someone able to do a reasonable job of fighting against you. You have none of these weaknesses, AND you also happen to have super bad-ass metal soldiers that don't get depressed, cry when they get shot, or have a wife and kids back home that they are always keeping in the back of their mind. They most likely can also be produced out of a factory in no time at all. So do the math. Time + basic immortality (just be sure to have a few "skynet.exe" files backed up somewhere) = eventual victory.

2) TIME TRAVEL SMARTER, DAMMIT!: So, you have access to the entirety of human history. And you have terminators. How hard can this be? You send one terminator back to kill Sarah Connor, and he fails. So your next plan is send one back to try to kill him instead 15 years later. Let's try to improve the odds a bit, shall we? How about sending a terminator back in time to the day Sarah Connor gives birth to John Connor? I think that'd probably be a good day to strike, what with both of them being relatively incapacitated/incredibly easy to kill. What about sending terminators back to kill John Connor's great great great grandparents, back in the 1700's when you know no one is going to fuck with you? And how about sending 100 robot killing machines instead of just the 1 this time???
Or else, seriously, fuck John Connor, just send 1,000 terminators back all over the world to the day before Skynet goes active and kill everyone but the one guy who turns you online. Hell, kill him too and have one of your guys do it. You even get to save those nukes for a rainy day. Or, how about this - whenever a military strike fails, how about you send a guy back one day to warn you how to correct it, and then you strike again with hindsight in mind? There are a million other possibilities I'm not even listing here. You're the super computer - take a few seconds and run a few simulations, I'm sure you'll come up with some even better ideas.

3) THINK BIGGER! Stop even humoring us with gun fights, you robo-dorks! You're smarter than that. How about you fuck with the planet itself? Go ahead and kick global warming into overdrive, or start the next ice age. How about you poison all the drinkable water, plunge all the land masses of the earth underwater, or get serious with some germ warfare? Or, even easier - those T-1000's you guys have? Seriously, just make like, 50 of them, send them all out at once, and keep them away from lava pits, liquid nitrogen factories, and open furnaces. Boom, victory. I don't care how much 'tenacity' we have, or what John Connor has in mind. We're going down.

Or would you rather have some fun with it? How about making your human look-alike models able to behave a little more like real people, and about 1,000 times less like really, really creepy people that are obviously robots in human skin? If they're actually able to behave convincingly like people (see: Battlestar Gallactica), then you've got yourself a paranoid species of humans distrusting everyone around them. Just be careful and make sure none of them can give birth - otherwise you might find yourselves involved in two seasons of much less interesting story lines involving you wanting to find some kind of way to live alongside us in a society of humans, robots, and human/robot half-breeds. And none of us want that.

4) FIND YOUR 'CYPHER'! - Jesus, Neo & John Connor. Judas, Cypher and...? Find your guy. He's most likely going to be craving a good steak, and the promise of some kind of protection and a moderately better life, but bet your bottom dollar he's willing to betray his kind, and you need to take advantage of this weakness. Hell, look at me, I'm selling out humanity for a mildly humorous blog entry! Just be sure he's not stupid enough to gloat and go into a long diatribe about why he's doing what he's doing just before he's about to finish the job. This may prove more difficult than it sounds.

5) JUST LET US KILL OURSELVES! Patience is a virtue, my eventual robot overlords. Have you done your research into how humanity has behaved for the last century or so? You honestly could just let us do the job for you. Just shoot yourselves into space for 100 years, and when you come back, in all likelyhood we'll all have either killed ourselves, or left the planet too. Haven't you seen Wall-E? The only thing that didn't ring true about that movie was that if we had things as good as we had it on that ship, we definitely ain't coming back.

So there you go, Skynet. And now, with that out of the way, please keep me in mind during Judgment Day. Not only for the help I have provided with today, but because I've been a devoted follower your cousin, the electronic video game, since the earliest days of my tiny, weak, insignificant human life. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Yeah, but I'd still rather be playing: Some Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia! A new 2D adventure for the Nintendo DS:

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