Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Day 297 - "I'm not tryin' to hear that, see..."

When it comes to women, the one piece of advice I always get is that confidence is king. No one knows this better than my man Positive K, as he displays in his 1992 hit "I Gotta Man."

The protagonist in this song, a man who is, shall we say "out on the prowl," encounters a women (or perhaps, as the video implies, many women all with the same voice) who seems worthy of his time. His approach is, needless to say, very forthcoming:

Aiyyo sweetie, you're lookin kinda pretty
What's a girl like you, doin in this rough city?
I'm just here, tryin to hold my own ground
Yeah, I think I like how that sounds
What you say we gets to know each other better?


Bold, honest, and direct. All these years I've wasted my time with idle chit-chat, for what? You just get right to the point. Of course, our hero soon encounters his first (and only real) setback:

That sounds good but I don't think that I can let ya
I don't know, tell me is it so
Do you get a kick, out of tellin brothers no?
No it's not that see you don't understand
How should I put it, I got a man


Now this moment here is where 99.9% all men would say to themselves "well, I gave it a shot - she's taken, time to move on..." Of the other 0.1%, a small number would probably convince themselves maybe it's worth trying to be friends "just in case she changes her mind*", while the other tiny percentage of men would do what our friend Positive K here would do, which is power on through:

What's your man got to do with me?
I told ya
I'm not tryin to hear that see

I'm not one of those girls that go rippin around
I'm not a dog baby, so don't play me like a clown
I'll admit, I like how you kick it
Now you're talkin baby, dats da ticket
Now don't get excited and chuck your own in
I already told ya, I got a man


Already he's starting to break her, just a little. By simply refusing to "hear that, see" Pozzy K is able to basically shoot down any argument* this girl has to offer regarding "her man." Now after a brief repartee and a reference to "chucking you own in" which I'm guessing is a lewd masturbation joke, Mr. K presses on:

Now you can persist to play Don Juan all day
But ain't nothin gonna change
Yeah baby, sure you're right
I'ma break it down and do whatever I gots to do
I tell you now, I got eyes for you
You got eyes, but they not for me
You better use them for what they for and that's to see
You know what's the problem, ya not used to learnin
I'm Big Daddy Longstroke, and your man's Pee Wee Herman


Here he's breaking it down the only way an alpha male can. After what was an admitted misstep in claiming he had "eyes for her" - he quickly recovers and focuses attention on the only body organ that really matters, his penis. See, he doesn't even know who the other guy is, and yet he can clearly state that whoever he is, relative to his own manhood, the other man will be the equivalent of a baby's pinky toe.

Unfortunately despite this poignant moment, PK's love interest moves on the defensive:

I got a question to ask you troop
Are you a chef, cause you keep feedin me soup
You know what they say about those who sweat themself
You might find yourself, by yourself
I'm not waitin because I'm no waiter
So when I blow up, don't try to kick it to me later


Nice move! The girl, in a desperate attempt for a witty retort (her mind obviously still distracted at the thought of Big K's mighty phallus) makes a lame soup/chef joke, which is quickly turned into a portend of the future - "you might find yourself, by yourself." Once again choosing to ignore the fact that this woman is most likely already in a committed relationship, Poz K throws the prospect of lonliness at her, while at the same wrapping it into another restaurant role, the waiter. I hope you're taking notes, men and debaters of the world.

The intensity quickly heightens as our hero poses a rhetorical question:

What am I, some crab inmate
that just came home from jail sweatin you for a date?
I don't want no beef, I just wants to get together
But how you talkin, pssssh, whatevah!


Ohh, burn! The music even stops on that last line to emphasize the "psssh." It's clear that this girl is tougher to win over than your average "+K" groupie.

We can't have nothin
It all depends
Well if we can't be lovers than we can't be friends
Well then I guess it's nothing
Well hey I think you're bluffing
Well I'ma call my man
Well I can get a raggamuffin
*

Well, well, well. What looks like bickering here is actually a subtle negotion in the battle of the sexes. Both sides here are posturing, spelling out why neither of them need each other. And yet, they continue to converse:

Well look I'll treat you good
My man treats me better
I talk sweet on the phone
My man writes love letters
I'll tell you that I want you, and tell you that I care
My man says the same except he's sincere
Well I'm clean cut and dapper, that's what I'm about
My man buys me things and he takes me out
Well you can keep your man, cause I don't go that route


Our hero draws a clear line in the sand here. He will dress up nice, call you, treat you decently, and at least feign interest in you, but if there's one thing he won't do, it's buy you anything or take you anywhere. Please woman! P to the K has no time for those things. And why would you want any of it? Do you not remember the (relative) size of his penis?

And now, the closing arguments:

I wanna turn you on and excite you
Let me know the spot on your body and I bite you
So when your man don't treat you like he used to
I kick in like a turbo booster
You want lovin you don't have to ask when
Your man's a headache, I'll be your aspirin
All confusion, you know I'll solve em


After taking a risky chance in finally acknowledging a possible other man, K-Pos has laid it out all out for this - well, quite frankly - cranky bitch. When she is done wanting any kind of meaningful relationship with a significant other, she can throw that away for mindless sex AT ANY TIME. The ball is now clearly in her court. And yet, she does not relent:

I got a man
You got a what?
How long you had that problem?
What's your man got to do with me?
I got a man
I'm not tryin to hear that see


Big finish! This is so important here, going out on a high note and leaving a lasting impression. Even if she walks away now, sure that she's made her point and that she'll never have to see this incredibly confident man again - inevitably the next time she's with her 'alleged' man, she'll remember the words: "how long you had that problem?" and she'll simply have to laugh. And then...she'll realize, he was right. It sounded like a joke, but he was right. This is a problem and the only solution...is Special, Vitamin, Positive K.

And even for some bizarre reason he never hears from her again, we all know this is the kind of guy whom rejection simply does not phase. By the time the next song comes around, he's already calling out the next girl that's caught his eye.

You're my inspiration, Pos.

-Matt

Yeah, but I'd still rather be playing:


*This is to date, my go-to move, despite a success rate of zero.
*I'd definitely love to follow this guy around town one day. "$5.95 for a Vanilla Latte? I'm not tryin' to hear that, see..."
*Here we are 16 years later, and to this day I'm still not quite sure what a "raggamuffin" is. All this time I just assumed it was some kind of rastafarian treat. Or a slutty girl?

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