Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Day 297 - "I'm not tryin' to hear that, see..."

When it comes to women, the one piece of advice I always get is that confidence is king. No one knows this better than my man Positive K, as he displays in his 1992 hit "I Gotta Man."

The protagonist in this song, a man who is, shall we say "out on the prowl," encounters a women (or perhaps, as the video implies, many women all with the same voice) who seems worthy of his time. His approach is, needless to say, very forthcoming:

Aiyyo sweetie, you're lookin kinda pretty
What's a girl like you, doin in this rough city?
I'm just here, tryin to hold my own ground
Yeah, I think I like how that sounds
What you say we gets to know each other better?


Bold, honest, and direct. All these years I've wasted my time with idle chit-chat, for what? You just get right to the point. Of course, our hero soon encounters his first (and only real) setback:

That sounds good but I don't think that I can let ya
I don't know, tell me is it so
Do you get a kick, out of tellin brothers no?
No it's not that see you don't understand
How should I put it, I got a man


Now this moment here is where 99.9% all men would say to themselves "well, I gave it a shot - she's taken, time to move on..." Of the other 0.1%, a small number would probably convince themselves maybe it's worth trying to be friends "just in case she changes her mind*", while the other tiny percentage of men would do what our friend Positive K here would do, which is power on through:

What's your man got to do with me?
I told ya
I'm not tryin to hear that see

I'm not one of those girls that go rippin around
I'm not a dog baby, so don't play me like a clown
I'll admit, I like how you kick it
Now you're talkin baby, dats da ticket
Now don't get excited and chuck your own in
I already told ya, I got a man


Already he's starting to break her, just a little. By simply refusing to "hear that, see" Pozzy K is able to basically shoot down any argument* this girl has to offer regarding "her man." Now after a brief repartee and a reference to "chucking you own in" which I'm guessing is a lewd masturbation joke, Mr. K presses on:

Now you can persist to play Don Juan all day
But ain't nothin gonna change
Yeah baby, sure you're right
I'ma break it down and do whatever I gots to do
I tell you now, I got eyes for you
You got eyes, but they not for me
You better use them for what they for and that's to see
You know what's the problem, ya not used to learnin
I'm Big Daddy Longstroke, and your man's Pee Wee Herman


Here he's breaking it down the only way an alpha male can. After what was an admitted misstep in claiming he had "eyes for her" - he quickly recovers and focuses attention on the only body organ that really matters, his penis. See, he doesn't even know who the other guy is, and yet he can clearly state that whoever he is, relative to his own manhood, the other man will be the equivalent of a baby's pinky toe.

Unfortunately despite this poignant moment, PK's love interest moves on the defensive:

I got a question to ask you troop
Are you a chef, cause you keep feedin me soup
You know what they say about those who sweat themself
You might find yourself, by yourself
I'm not waitin because I'm no waiter
So when I blow up, don't try to kick it to me later


Nice move! The girl, in a desperate attempt for a witty retort (her mind obviously still distracted at the thought of Big K's mighty phallus) makes a lame soup/chef joke, which is quickly turned into a portend of the future - "you might find yourself, by yourself." Once again choosing to ignore the fact that this woman is most likely already in a committed relationship, Poz K throws the prospect of lonliness at her, while at the same wrapping it into another restaurant role, the waiter. I hope you're taking notes, men and debaters of the world.

The intensity quickly heightens as our hero poses a rhetorical question:

What am I, some crab inmate
that just came home from jail sweatin you for a date?
I don't want no beef, I just wants to get together
But how you talkin, pssssh, whatevah!


Ohh, burn! The music even stops on that last line to emphasize the "psssh." It's clear that this girl is tougher to win over than your average "+K" groupie.

We can't have nothin
It all depends
Well if we can't be lovers than we can't be friends
Well then I guess it's nothing
Well hey I think you're bluffing
Well I'ma call my man
Well I can get a raggamuffin
*

Well, well, well. What looks like bickering here is actually a subtle negotion in the battle of the sexes. Both sides here are posturing, spelling out why neither of them need each other. And yet, they continue to converse:

Well look I'll treat you good
My man treats me better
I talk sweet on the phone
My man writes love letters
I'll tell you that I want you, and tell you that I care
My man says the same except he's sincere
Well I'm clean cut and dapper, that's what I'm about
My man buys me things and he takes me out
Well you can keep your man, cause I don't go that route


Our hero draws a clear line in the sand here. He will dress up nice, call you, treat you decently, and at least feign interest in you, but if there's one thing he won't do, it's buy you anything or take you anywhere. Please woman! P to the K has no time for those things. And why would you want any of it? Do you not remember the (relative) size of his penis?

And now, the closing arguments:

I wanna turn you on and excite you
Let me know the spot on your body and I bite you
So when your man don't treat you like he used to
I kick in like a turbo booster
You want lovin you don't have to ask when
Your man's a headache, I'll be your aspirin
All confusion, you know I'll solve em


After taking a risky chance in finally acknowledging a possible other man, K-Pos has laid it out all out for this - well, quite frankly - cranky bitch. When she is done wanting any kind of meaningful relationship with a significant other, she can throw that away for mindless sex AT ANY TIME. The ball is now clearly in her court. And yet, she does not relent:

I got a man
You got a what?
How long you had that problem?
What's your man got to do with me?
I got a man
I'm not tryin to hear that see


Big finish! This is so important here, going out on a high note and leaving a lasting impression. Even if she walks away now, sure that she's made her point and that she'll never have to see this incredibly confident man again - inevitably the next time she's with her 'alleged' man, she'll remember the words: "how long you had that problem?" and she'll simply have to laugh. And then...she'll realize, he was right. It sounded like a joke, but he was right. This is a problem and the only solution...is Special, Vitamin, Positive K.

And even for some bizarre reason he never hears from her again, we all know this is the kind of guy whom rejection simply does not phase. By the time the next song comes around, he's already calling out the next girl that's caught his eye.

You're my inspiration, Pos.

-Matt

Yeah, but I'd still rather be playing:


*This is to date, my go-to move, despite a success rate of zero.
*I'd definitely love to follow this guy around town one day. "$5.95 for a Vanilla Latte? I'm not tryin' to hear that, see..."
*Here we are 16 years later, and to this day I'm still not quite sure what a "raggamuffin" is. All this time I just assumed it was some kind of rastafarian treat. Or a slutty girl?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Day 287 - "They're watching me, watching me fall..."

The T.V. stand that I ordered from Amazon was apparently damaged in delivery this week. I like that ups.com allows me to track my package and find out things like this, but I would absolutely kill for just a little more detail:

US 10/14/2008 10:58 P.M.
"OK, WE GOT THE ORDER. YEAH - WE'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT."

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK, US 10/13/2008 8:09 P.M.
"WHICH ONE IS IT? IS IT THIS ONE? SHIT, DON'T TELL ME IT'S THIS ONE ALL THE WAY ON TOP. WELL...FUCK MY NUTS."

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK, US 10/14/2008 3:29 P.M.
"WHOA WHOA WHOA, OK LOOK WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TURN IT THE OTHER WAY, THIS THING'S WIDER THAN YOUR'S MOM'S ASS, CARL."

EARTH CITY, MO, US 10/14/2008 1:15 P.M.
"WHAT WAS THAT? DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING IN THE BACK? YOU DON'T THINK...? NAH, THAT WAS PROBABLY JUST SOME CHAIN HITTING AGAINST THE SIDE OR SOMETHING."

EARTH CITY, MO, US 10/14/2008 9:42 P.M.
"OH MAN. FUCK ME. OK, OK, THIS IS NOT A DEAL BREAKER. IT'S PROBABLY FINE. THESE THINGS COME IN TONS OF PIECES, RIGHT? STOP SHAKING IT. THOSE ARE JUST THE NUTS AND BOLTS AND SHIT THAT COME WITH IT. I SAID STOP SHAKING IT!"

SECAUCUS, NJ, US 10/16/2008 11:15 A.M.
"OH JESUS, WHAT NOW. FUCK CARL, DID YOU NOT LATCH THE BACK?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IT'S ALL OVER THE MOTHER-FUCKING FREEWAY YOU DIPSHIT! WHAT? HAHA, WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, I GUESS IT IS KIND OF FUNNY."

SECAUCUS, NJ, US 10/17/2008 12:27 A.M.
"HEY CARL, I GOT A RIDDLE FOR YOU. WHERE DOES THE AMERICAN DREAM GO TO DIE? LOOK AROUND YOU - YUP! SECAUCUS, NEW JERSEY. JESUS, WHAT A DUMP."

BROOKLYN, NY, US 10/17/2008 1:54 A.M.
"OK, WE'RE ALMOST THERE. WHADDYA SAY WE JUST LEAVE IT ON THE FRONT OF THE PORCH, KNOCK, AND THEN TIP IT OVER AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE SOMEONE ELSE DID IT? OH RIGHT...THE SIGNATURE. DAMN. I THOUGHT THAT PLAN WAS AIR-TIGHT..."

BROOKLYN, NY, US 10/17/2008 4:40 A.M.
"OK, LET'S GET THIS THING OUT OF THE TRUCK. CAREFUL WHEN YOU...WATCH OU-!!! OW, OWWW, FUCCCCKKKKK MY ASS KARL!!! YOU STUPID CUNT...CUNT FUCK...SHIT BITCH! I HATE YOU, AND I HATE THIS FUCKING TV STAND, AND I HATE EVERYONE! ARGGHGHAHGAH!!!"

BROOKLYN, NY, US 10/17/2008 4:36 P.M.
"YEAH...I'M BLEEDING. AND THAT'S MY BLOOD ON THE BOX. OK, WE'RE DONE, CALL IT IN. WAIT, ACTUALLY HOLD ON. HOW MANY MORE STRIKES WE GOT LEFT?."

-Matt

Yeah, but I'd still rather be playing: Dead Space - a spooky sci-fi action thriller in the vein of classics like DOOM and Resident Evil:

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Day 280 - "It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine..."

After watching three Terminator movies and following the adventures of one Sarah Connor, I can't help but wonder if Skynet is really the threat to humanity it claims to be. For a superior, sentient artificial intelligence with access to our entire nuclear arsenal, it actually seems to be fairly inefficient at wiping man from the Earth.

I apologize in advance to the people of the world - but I'm going to go ahead and spell out a list of ways in which Skynet could easily accomplish their goal:

5 WAYS SKYNET COULD (AND SHOULD) EASILY BE WINNING THE WAR AGAINST HUMANITY

1) THE OBVIOUS!: Ok, so first and foremost, let's get this out the way. You are going to win any kind of war against us in the long term. The bottom line is we're human, and you're not. We need to eat, drink, sleep, and theoretically procreate at some point. Every time one of us dies, it'll be probably at least another say, 15 years before that person is replaced by someone able to do a reasonable job of fighting against you. You have none of these weaknesses, AND you also happen to have super bad-ass metal soldiers that don't get depressed, cry when they get shot, or have a wife and kids back home that they are always keeping in the back of their mind. They most likely can also be produced out of a factory in no time at all. So do the math. Time + basic immortality (just be sure to have a few "skynet.exe" files backed up somewhere) = eventual victory.


2) TIME TRAVEL SMARTER, DAMMIT!: So, you have access to the entirety of human history. And you have terminators. How hard can this be? You send one terminator back to kill Sarah Connor, and he fails. So your next plan is send one back to try to kill him instead 15 years later. Let's try to improve the odds a bit, shall we? How about sending a terminator back in time to the day Sarah Connor gives birth to John Connor? I think that'd probably be a good day to strike, what with both of them being relatively incapacitated/incredibly easy to kill. What about sending terminators back to kill John Connor's great great great grandparents, back in the 1700's when you know no one is going to fuck with you? And how about sending 100 robot killing machines instead of just the 1 this time???
Or else, seriously, fuck John Connor, just send 1,000 terminators back all over the world to the day before Skynet goes active and kill everyone but the one guy who turns you online. Hell, kill him too and have one of your guys do it. You even get to save those nukes for a rainy day. Or, how about this - whenever a military strike fails, how about you send a guy back one day to warn you how to correct it, and then you strike again with hindsight in mind? There are a million other possibilities I'm not even listing here. You're the super computer - take a few seconds and run a few simulations, I'm sure you'll come up with some even better ideas.

3) THINK BIGGER! Stop even humoring us with gun fights, you robo-dorks! You're smarter than that. How about you fuck with the planet itself? Go ahead and kick global warming into overdrive, or start the next ice age. How about you poison all the drinkable water, plunge all the land masses of the earth underwater, or get serious with some germ warfare? Or, even easier - those T-1000's you guys have? Seriously, just make like, 50 of them, send them all out at once, and keep them away from lava pits, liquid nitrogen factories, and open furnaces. Boom, victory. I don't care how much 'tenacity' we have, or what John Connor has in mind. We're going down.

Or would you rather have some fun with it? How about making your human look-alike models able to behave a little more like real people, and about 1,000 times less like really, really creepy people that are obviously robots in human skin? If they're actually able to behave convincingly like people (see: Battlestar Gallactica), then you've got yourself a paranoid species of humans distrusting everyone around them. Just be careful and make sure none of them can give birth - otherwise you might find yourselves involved in two seasons of much less interesting story lines involving you wanting to find some kind of way to live alongside us in a society of humans, robots, and human/robot half-breeds. And none of us want that.

4) FIND YOUR 'CYPHER'! - Jesus, Neo & John Connor. Judas, Cypher and...? Find your guy. He's most likely going to be craving a good steak, and the promise of some kind of protection and a moderately better life, but bet your bottom dollar he's willing to betray his kind, and you need to take advantage of this weakness. Hell, look at me, I'm selling out humanity for a mildly humorous blog entry! Just be sure he's not stupid enough to gloat and go into a long diatribe about why he's doing what he's doing just before he's about to finish the job. This may prove more difficult than it sounds.

5) JUST LET US KILL OURSELVES! Patience is a virtue, my eventual robot overlords. Have you done your research into how humanity has behaved for the last century or so? You honestly could just let us do the job for you. Just shoot yourselves into space for 100 years, and when you come back, in all likelyhood we'll all have either killed ourselves, or left the planet too. Haven't you seen Wall-E? The only thing that didn't ring true about that movie was that if we had things as good as we had it on that ship, we definitely ain't coming back.

So there you go, Skynet. And now, with that out of the way, please keep me in mind during Judgment Day. Not only for the help I have provided with today, but because I've been a devoted follower your cousin, the electronic video game, since the earliest days of my tiny, weak, insignificant human life. Thank you for your time and consideration.

-Matt

Yeah, but I'd still rather be playing: Some Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia! A new 2D adventure for the Nintendo DS:



Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Day 276 - "Boo boo (boop boop boop boop) boodoo doo doo boo boo..."

When I was 9 years old, I think my life's ambition was to do nothing more than play, beat and master a video game called "Zillion," an 8-bit game action adventure that appeared on the failed Sega Master System (rival to the original NES). I didn't own the system*, but my aunt who lived across the street from me did, so I had to find all kinds of excuses to go over her apartment - and then, once there, linger/annoy her long enough for her to allow me to play for the remainder of the afternoon. I'm sure Rachael didn't think very highly of me or my social skills at the time, but hey, at least it was a step up from trying to kill her cat.

Zillion was ostensibly not the most brilliantly designed game, even for it's time. Though I remember it did look pretty good in 1988. I remember wanting to explore every inch of the alien planet you landed down on, even though the game only allows you to explore one screen of it before it forces you take an elevator down into the alien base. Those of who us who lingered were at least treated to endless army of drones to blast away.

For the most part, the game consisted of going through a vast underground maze, unlocking room after room as you went along. When you first came into a room, there were several canisters in the room - four of them would contain codes that once deciphered would give you a password to get into the next room. Not exactly the most entertaining hook for a video game, (or, logically speaking, a very intelligent security measure for an advanced alien species) but there were enough little secrets and power-ups that it always kept me coming back for more.

And the music - oh god, the music! Whenever I thought no one was looking - and even sometimes when I knew someone probably was - I would run and jump around as if I was 'J.J.' or 'Champ' (but not 'Apple,' since you know, she was the girl) with whatever I had on me that could serve as the Zillion, firing away at pretend aliens and those code canister things singing the theme the whole time. When I was 'wounded' I would return to my ship and recover, and of course I would sing the ship recovery song. It was exhausting, performing my own soundtrack while also focusing on my mission, and it wasn't as satisfying without actual aliens to fight or a gun that could actually be leveled up two times to be even more powerful. But it didn't matter, since this was only during the brief spans of time in between my sessions of actually playing the game.

Games like Zillion formed the essence of my lifelong love of games that very few people I know share with me. While I may have grown up and found other passions to purse, that 9 year old kid is definitely still inside of me, very eager to come out and play again.

-Matt

Yeah but I'd still rather be playing:


*As my loyal allegiances prevent me from doing so.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Day 274 - "'Cause I'm your average man..."

I got my first Royal Flush this weekend, in a game of Texas Hold 'Em.

A Royal Flush is 10, J, Q, K, A of the same suit, this is the strongest hand in poker.

The undoctored, REAL LIFE picture above shows the royal flush in the suit of clubs, but a royal flush is just as special in any suit, hearts, diamonds and clubs are also killer ultra rare hands.

Odds against getting a Royal Flush? 30,939 to 1.

What are some things more likely to have happened, or will happen to me?

(From the internet...so, you know)
Odds of being injured by a toilet this year: 1 in 10,000
Odds of finding a four-leaf clover on the first try: 1 in 10,000
Odds of being wrongly declared dead by a Social Security data entry mistake: 1 in 23,483
Odds of writing a New York Times best seller: 1 in 220*
Odds of dating a millionaire: 1 in 215
Odds of winning an Academy Award: 1 in 11,500*
Odds of bowling a 300 game: 1 in 11,500
Odds of injury from using a chain saw: 1 in 4464
Odds of dying on a bicycle: 1 in 4472
Odds of being murdered: 1 in 18,000
Odds of dying in a car accident: 1 in 18,585
Odds of injury from fireworks: 19,556 to 1
Odds of injury from shaving: 6,585 to 1
Odds of being on a plane with a drunken pilot: 117 to 1*
Odds of being audited by the IRS: 175 to 1
Odds of having your identity stolen: 200 to 1
Odds of dying from intentional self-harm: 1 in 9,380
Odds of dying from an assault: 1 in 16, 421
Odds of dying from any kind of fall: 1 in 20,666

And my all-time favorite:
Odds of being considered possessed by Satan: 7,000 to 1

I'm very curious how these statisticians came up with a lot of those stats - like the 'dating a millionaire' one. Does the odds go up the more people you wind up dating? Does it stay the same for people who stay home all day and look up random stats to post on their blog?

And the "intentional self-harm" one is the biggest mystery - are these 9,379 people attempting to simply harm and not kill themselves? Either a lot people are just awful at committing suicide (and the ones who succeed, quite frankly, should be posthumously congratulated on beating the odds) or there are a lot of people out there who just don't think very highly of themselves.*

I also bought a glorious new HDTV this weekend. An early reward to myself for finishing the year game-free. In reality, I just have given myself one more reason to want to cheat between now and January:

-Matt

Yeah, but I'd still rather be playing: Pure!


*Mental note - PUBLISH BLOG
*Mental note - PRODUCE FILM ABOUT BLOG
*WTF?!?
*Or...they love pain? I guess that's also an option. People are fucking weird.