Monday, March 1, 2010

(Text) Adventures In Dating: Part 1*

Dating is hard. Some might go so far as to call it miserable. But sometimes, you just gotta laugh.

About two weeks ago (shame on me for taking this long to get this amazing story posted on the blog), I met a girl on my way to practice near Penn Station. She was crossing the street and I noticed she wasn't wearing any socks, which was unusual given the fact that February was one of the snowiest months we've had on record. In fact, there was snow on the ground at that very moment, and I found it funny that anyone would make such a decision. It also didn't hurt that she was very cute. So I decided to stop her on the street and ask her for an explanation for the lack of proper footwear. She laughed and said she had socks in her purse, and was in a hurry to get to some class/seminar she was late for. I walked with her for a block, I got her name (Padma) and her number and said goodbye, feeling kind of proud of myself for pulling that whole thing off.

Turn left, walk north, then proceed to ignore all red flags

Later that evening I decided to kick things off by texting her: "Hope you're keeping your feet warm" because that's cute, right? Which was confirmed via her "lol" minutes later. Then came a barrage of texts that individually would be fine, but collectively felt a little bit strange (foreshadowing!). Over the next 10 minutes, she asked:

"What do you do?"
"What kind of company is that?"

"Where is it?"
"What kind of shows do you perform?"
"How often are your shows?"
"Why did you approach me?"
"If you had 6 months to live, how would you choose to live out the rest of your life, and why?"

That last one wasn't real, though it probably would have led to more interesting conversation than we actually had. Towards the end I wrote back: "Whoa! You ask a lot of questions. Do me a favor, don't ever watch Lost!" to which she responded: "What's that?", which as you can imagine is a Class A Matt Shafeek Dealbreaker as far as awful things you can say to me to turn me off, next to: "Video games, those are like, for kids, right?" and "Was that supposed to be funny?". I mean seriously - I know not everyone has amazing taste in television, or knows proper usage of their spare time. I know not everyone watches Lost, and they don't all love it, but to never have even heard of it at this point, when it's currently in the middle of its SIXTH AND FINAL AMAZING SEASON? How is that possible? Again, things were definitely going a bit strangely, but against my better judgments, I decided to press on. (Did I mention she was super cute?)

I invited her to my improv show the next night, and she said she'd try to make it. I figured if she was in the audience, I'd have to tell my team to keep the references non-topical, and culturally irrelevant. She'd also probably not mind if there were tons of questions, typically an improv no-no.

So the show comes and goes, and she doesn't make an appearance, which was fine. I went out for a drink with my team, and while we were at the bar, I texted her: "You missed a fun show tonight!" because that's cute, right? The following is the exact text exchange we had, which may very well go down in history as one of my - no sorry - the greatest, in the history of text exchanges:

Her: "Sry...Kinda in some financial situation."

When I get this, I figure, weird, a little TMI really, but whatever. But then...

Her: "I need 500 for tomorrow"

Oh boy. Is she looking for an offer from me? I just met her! Lame! Sympathetically, I respond:

Me: "Wish I had that kind of money on hand. No friends, family to help out?"

Her: "No. Is there anything you can do for me?"

Surely this woman must have someone other than a guy she just met to help her out. A loving father, perhaps?

Her: "How much do you have. I really need it, even if I have to sleep with someone for it I will do it"

Oh. Ok. Wow. Yeah, I understand exactly what's going on now. You are a prostitute. A hooker. A lady of the evening. A woman about town. (I can go on and on) By 'picking you up' on the street, you must have thought we were entering some of sort of 'pre-cash exchange john/call girl foreplay'.

Her: "I have never been in this situation."

Mmm-hmm. Funny, neither have I!

I debated all kinds of hilarious responses to say to her, debating with my friends how low I could negotiate her down to [$25 for a blowie? $10 for some light foot play? An offer of $1000 to "meet me" on a dark corner in the middle of Bed-Stuy?], but ultimately decided to go with:

Me: "Sorry babe. I don't pay for it. Good luck with your situation."

And finally, the last of our glorious exchange, the button on this whole ridiculous conversation/relationship:

Her: "It's ok I'll call my dad"

Oh yeah! Hah, you know, that's probably a good back-up plan to LITERALLY WHORING YOURSELF OUT!!

I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? Next time I approach a girl on the street, I guess I'll just start off the conversation by saying: "Hey, I think you're sexy, but before this goes any further, I'm not paying for it, mm-kay?" Because that's...cute, right?

Well, you know what they say: You can't spell loneliness with L-O-L!


Everything's gonna be ok, Harry!

Currently Playing: Finished up Mass Effect 2, (anyone who's played and beaten it, feel free to listen to my spoiler-filled amped gaming podcast discussing my thoughts on it here) and I've been dabbling a bit in 'Splosion Man, and the new Resident Evil 5 DLC (I just can't seem to get away from it!). Other than that, I have been absolutely obsessed with the Harry Potter series as of late. The books, which, technically don't belong here, are fantastic, even for a man clearly way outside the target demo, and I thought it was worth mentioning. I don't think I've ever finished an 800+ page book in two weeks before...or possibly, ever at all! I'm on book six right now, and I anticipate being completely done with the series by month's end.

*I say 'Part 1' because I can already tell there's going to be a LOT more stories like these before all is said and done.


mjs said...

this is an amazing story. i would have bartered.

Amanda said... win. I'm not sure I could ever compete with that story.

有的煤的 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
lalala said...

you win. seriously. hilarious. you can't make things like that up. i wonder if not wearing socks usually draws the kind of interest she is looking for. ha!

Will Claiborne said...

Aw, disappointing. But at least it's one great story

Sean Taylor said...

Great story. I say send one more text saying "hope your dad got his money's worth."