Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Post-A-Day: Gil (Three)

(What's this post all about? See where I started off here)


Tom wasn't sure what Amir expected to happen, but he definitely had his own hypothesis. Although he hadn't yet admitted it to him, Tom could tell Amir had been looking for an out with her for some time, and this stunt might finally give him what he needed. Tom liked Bonnie well enough, but he knew ultimately the relationship was headed in one direction, so he preferred not to see it dragged out.

Bonnie walked in looking a little disheveled, but after she located Amir and Tom and she threw down her bag, ran into the bathroom, and after a quick five minute makeover looked good enough to turn some heads that didn't even notice her on the way in. As she pulled up a stool to the boys, Amir glanced at her long, flowing red hair, and was briefly reminded of how attracted he was to it once upon a time.

"Hey guys. I heard the most amazing joke today, are you ready for it?"

Amir quickly snapped out of his trance and remembered he was supposed to be testing her. Wanting to get his story out first, he wasn't biting.

"Ah, another awful standup? I don't think I'm in the mood for another terrible joke."

Tom, on the other hand, couldn't help but take pleasure in delaying Amir's gratification.

"No, no, I wanna hear this. Was this that smelly, dirty, disheveled guy who had all the jokes about masturbating in his mom's house?"

Bonnie was waitressing at Comic Strip Live, which she hated, but she decided early on that rather than complain about her job she'd repeat some of the terrible, terrible jokes she heard told.

"No no, shh shh, come on, just let me tell it. Ok, here goes, let me just get into character here..."

She lowered her shoulders and pulled an imaginary microphone up uncomfortably close to her mouth while staring down low to the ground. She also put on her favorite "man" voice, which on any other day would be a total crowd-pleaser.

"So, um, you guys know Super Mario, right? You think that guy ever has trouble getting it up? You think he's like, about to put the throwdown on Princess Peach's...pussy (she elongated the word, as the standup did, but lowered her voice, which he did not), and suddenly he realizes its all like brunk brunk brunk..."

Tom interrupted: "Wait, what is that?"

"You know, like when Mario is big and he gets hit and he shrinks: brunk brunk brunk. Duh! Come on, don't stop me now I'm getting to the best part - So, his dick is all limp, right? So he has to go and hit a powerup box, you know those question mark things, and a little mushroom comes out. He runs up to it, and whips it out, and puts his dick on it. Then it's like: brang brang brang, you know? It's like viagra, only it also makes his dick bigger too."

Amir was perplexed. "I don't get it."

"Exactly! You guys, that was his joke. He spent the rest of his set just making that stupid noise over and over again while he air-fucked everything on the stage. Can you believe that?"

"Anything's possible on amateur night."

The other half of Bonnie's audience was much more receptive - Tom was in stitches.

"Unbe-fucking-leavable. I love it." Tom bellowed, making sure to slap Amir on the back as he did. "You really need to get up on stage sometime and just redo some of these bits, saying "people really said this hoping to get a laugh!"

"Hah, you know I thought about that, but I think there's some standup code or something that says you don't make fun of other people's joke. Definitely material for my blog though!" Bonnie said, as she pulled out a notepad and scribbled down some notes.

"Definitely." Tom was now glancing at Amir, letting him know it was finally his turn to share.

Bonnie was ready to hear the news as well. "So what's up with you, sourpuss? Didja play the lottery and only get second place today?"

"Well, uh, I quit my job finally." Amir said, starting off his mini-con.

"That's great! So did you punch Douchestrom in the dick?" Bonnie asked, bringing his fists dangerous close to Amir's crotch.

"No, actually. I did something dumb, and then he called me out, and I wanted to be better than him more than anything in the world. So I told him I was going to donate all the lottery money to charity, in front of the entire company. And eventually some members of the press."

There was a long pause. Bonnie's eyes got as wide as they could possibly get, then, inexplicably, they got even wider. In the intervening milliseconds before she responded, Amir decided no matter how she responded, it was going to be the wrong thing to say.

(More tomorrow)

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