Hi there. The name's Matt Shafeek. You don't know me from Adam (my first time using that phrase, by the way), but I'm reaching out to you using what I believe to be the most appropriate forum for this sort of thing: my blog. I'm writing today because I read in this morning's paper that you and your husband Darren Aronofsky are separating after 9 years. Man, 9 years - that's a long time! I haven't personally been in a relationship that long, but I know that after watching the Simpsons for about 9 years, I started to get sick of it. Maybe the writing just wasn't up to par, maybe I just kind of grew out of it, but the point is, I get what you're going through.
Ms. Weisz, I'm going to lay my cards out on the table - I think you're gorgeous. Really, really sexy, in like, a 'classy dame' kind of way. I don't really know how to define that term except to say if I saw you in a porno it definitely wouldn't feel right. It might just be the accent though. And let's be clear - I'm not a stalker by any means. In fact, believe it or not, I haven't ever googled you until today. Now that I have, can I just say what a lovely middle name 'Hannah' is? It totally suits the aforementioned "classiness" factor perfectly. I hesitate to mention porn again, but I'd be willing to bet there are zero porn stars that have 'Hannah' in their name. Maybe there's one that's some cheesy play on words like "Hannah Job" or something, but that doesn't really count.
Want further proof I'm not some obsessed fan? Would you believe you don't even jump to my mind first when I'm thinking of top celebrities I'd love to sleep with? The other day, while warming up for a show with my improv team Phooka, we played a game where we had to name several women we want to sleep with in rapid fire succession (I'd explain the intricacies of how this helps us prepare for our improv show, but I don't want to waste more of your valuable time than necessary) I named Jessica Alba, Megan Fox, and then Jessica Rabbit! Haha, yes, I know, she's a cartoon character, one I could never actually physically be with, but for whatever reason she always pops into my mind when I'm thinking of attractive women. Truth be told, her appearance in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? may very well have kicked off puberty for me. Anyways, the point is - I didn't even think of you then. Though obviously, in hindsight, I'd much rather get with a genuinely talented actress such as yourself over those other vapid, so-called "celebrities," and 2 dimensional drawings.
Also, looking at your filmography, I think I've actually only seen you in The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, and Constantine. Oh wait, I think I also saw you in The Constant Gardener, but I can't remember anything about that movie at all. This is not to say you weren't memorable in the movie, I just literally seemed to have forgotten all but the simplest details from the film. Maybe I just saw the trailer? Who knows. But what I have seen of you, I've liked. But again, in a totally casual way. You know, if I saw you walking down the street I wouldn't run at you, or gawk from a distance while snapping secret photos from my phone. I'd just go: "hey, look, it's contemporary actress Rachel Weisz, living life to its fullest, as one would expect." and then maybe one of my friends would go: "I wouldn't mind getting caught in her Weisz-grip!" and instantly I'd grab his face with one hand and tell him: "clever pun, bro, but so not cool. She's recently separated!"
Anyways, enough about you. I should probably let you know a thing or two about me. I'm a little bit younger than you, (31), but you know, age ain't nothin' but a number. I'm a New Yorker, born and raised, currently living in Queens, where I was raised on a steady diet of love, television, and video games. Let's see, what else? Oh, speaking of video games: I gave them up for a year in 2008, and did all this cool stuff with my time while I was "Paused" - hence the origin of this blog. I know that may not be as impressive as say, directing Requiem for a Dream or The Wrestler, but I would think that the last thing you want to do is date another super successful, uber-talented and critically acclaimed director/person, right?
I make a mean chicken quesadilla, as I mentioned earlier, I perform improv every week at a local theater here in the city, and while I am a man of modest wealth and stature, anyone who knows me will tell you I'm a pretty awesome guy. If we were dating, I'd totally do this thing where, if we were walking down the street, and the paparazzi showed up, just as you were about to get frustrated, I'd turn to you, smile, and apologize for all the unwanted attention I brought into your life. Also, every now and again I'd step in and sign autographs for people who really wanted them for you, just for funsies. Oh, and if you ever worked on a movie set here in NY, I'd totally use my lunch break to swing down to your set, bring you some hot chocolate with a biscotti, and tell you how much I've missed you all day. Would Daniel Craig do that, hmm?
In closing, thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I hope to hear back from you soon. I'm a patient man, but keep in mind I am on OK Cupid, so you know, better get going while the gettin's good. Or whatever the right way to say that is.