Sunday, December 26, 2010

Giving The Devil His Due

I'm also a big Ed Hardy fan!
There's a lot of questioning of the existence of God out there, but not nearly enough questioning of the existence of the Devil. Sure, he's got a popular sort of canonical presence in popular culture, and his diabolicalness ranges from cartoonish buffoon (South Park) to unholy representation of evil (The Devil Wears Prada - I haven't seen this movie, but I hear it's a biopic of Lucifer discovering his preferred fashion designer). I argue there's not nearly enough people out there really looking for signs of his existence in the real world, here and now.

Take this man for example. George Castro, 48, arrested last month for allegedly stealing $5 million dollars from Columbia University. When they caught him, he had $200,000 in a bag, and a brand new $80,000 Audi parked in front of his house. When they asked him where he got the money, he told investigators the money "just appeared" in his account, and he "got greedy and spent it."

At first glance, our buddy George here looks like he got caught with his hands in the cookie jar. And while his thieving skills may up to snuff, his on-the-spot lying skills are clearly total shit. But see, that's what a person who stopped questioning the existence of Satan would say. They'd lock up poor Mr. Castro, and throw away the key, satisfied with the knowledge that the money was safe and the crook was behind bars. I however, have an alternate theory: George Castro was hoodwinked by the Devil.

George Castro: Satan's Bitch
No one ever thinks to listen to statements that initially sound like the words of a crazy person. Especially those of us who are New Yorkers - we hear so much crazy all the time, just on our commute to work, that we simply have to filter out the nonsense immediately, lest we spend our entire workday on wikipedia sorting out exactly which ethnic/religious group have teamed up together to conspire to kill us all. But guys, come on - how often have you seen this scenario in movies with supernatural events/monsters/aliens before? Everyone's skeptical, except for our hero, who always wonders "what if..." and only then is the truth exposed. So guys, get with the program: George Castro clearly asked for $5 million dollars in exchange for his immortal soul, which the Devil delivered without explicitly stating in advance where the money was coming from, which was in fact Columbia University.

You might still be skeptical, and I get that. It's very hard to prove these things definitively. But I ask you this: what sort of person has the intellectual capability to steal millions of dollars from a highly renowned private university, but lacks the social wherewithal to understand that walking around with $200K in cash and a new car might get you the wrong kind of attention should people start asking questions? Ok - most nerds, fair enough. But friends, you have to believe me: George Castro signed a contract with Lucifer in his own blood, and when the cops came knocking on his door he decided the only way out of his situation was to try to tell them the truth, in a matter of speaking (though clearly, his story might have sounded better if he kept the 'devil in the details,' so to speak). 

So yes, he still messed up big time. Now he's gonna go to jail, and when he sheds his mortal coil via shiving - in 2 years or 20, he'll sadly be off to Hell penniless as he was before he signed the contract. But hey, I'm not one to judge. Lord knows I've offered up several enticing propositions to you-know-who in the past to grow an extra foot, get all my hair back, and change my voice to that of Michael Clark Duncan's, but apparently what I have to offer* ain't good enough.

All I'm saying people, is dare to a chaotic, evil force that's conspiring to ruin our lives, take our souls, and drag us underground to spend an eternity in hell. Because like with God, it's a LOT easier to get through the day being able to blame all your problems on this guy. Try it and see!


*No, actually I haven't offered him my soul. But I have offered him comps to many improv shows, free gaming lessons, and the opportunity to guest blog here at any time. You tell me that's not a great deal!

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