Thursday, January 6, 2011

Damn It Jim! I'm A Doctor, Not A Guy Who Does Non-Doctory Stuff!

I saw this poster in the city today and was instantly drawn to it. I have no idea what "Off The Map" is about (nor do I care), but the DANGLING STETHOSCOPE in this guy's left hand brought about an endless number of amusing thoughts I thought I'd share with you all today:

-First, my prediction of a typical episode:

"Dockta Mayhew, Dockta Mayhew!!" screamed the young, sickly Costa Rican child. "You bring us pills? Pills so we can [cough cough] be...better?" 

"Shh-h-h-h" replied the good doctor, as he wiped his brow and reached into his bag to pull out the single item within. He sat the boy down, and looked him straight in the eyes: "Now, let's find out how fast your heart is beating. Hmm, pretty fast. Oh wait, now it's slower. Great. My work here is done."

Mayhew pulled the stethoscope from his ears, gave the bell a careful wipe, and he looked up and grabbed onto the rope of previously unseen helicopter that had arrived just in time to ride him off into the sunset.

[SCENE]

-So, yeah, I get it. The stethoscope is symbolic for a doctor. It clues us in as audience members what this guy's all about. But clearly there are more sides to him, right? He's not wearing the usual white coat, for example. He's also outdoors, in front a waterfall, which is not a practical location to practice medicine for a number of reasons. And look at how he's standing - that is not a typical doctor pose. Doctors are totally supposed to face people! Unless they're giving bad news. The worst kind of news really - the kind that involve them describing to a patient the symptoms that will come about from him kicking their ass.

-Did Indiana Jones, noted archeologist, walk around ancient tombs with one of those little dusting brushes in his hand the entire time? Of course not! He carried a WHIP and a GUN while he was exploring dangerous areas, killing voodoo priests/nazis, and seducing women. The dusting brush only came out later. Actually, no, screw that. He just blew away all that dust...like a MAN. Just like this guy should just smack people's chests and get a heartbeat reading based on that.

Hrm. This problem is strangely un-whippable.
- Getting off the stethoscope for a minute, looking at the tagline, I kind of wish the show was just blatantly named: "Doctor Without Boundaries" or "Dr. W. O. Boundaries, MD."

-Remember how on Lost, we were so curious what Jack's occupation was until that moment when he raised his left hand from off camera to reveal a scalpel? In hindsight, I'm really thankful the show decided against making that a mystery.

-Why not a bunch of needles in his hand instead, huh? He could be like, a needle wolverine. I think even tongue depressors would be a more practical thing to be hanging from his hand. You can make shivs, poisonous darts or wooden ninja stars or something out of those things.

-Having said all of this, all this making fun of the stethoscope business would be forgiven if in the opening scene of the show he strangles a guy with it, Jack Bauer style.

Aaaaannndd I'm done. I honestly hope the show's a totally amazing, deep, engrossing, emotional work of art that captures the zeitgeist and reinvigorates water cooler discussions all over the world, which will only make my ill-informed poster-based assumptions all the more brilliant.

-Matt

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