Saturday, January 29, 2011

How To Really Blow Out Your Meta Moment


Ocean's Twelve was a disappointment, to put it mildly. The plot wasn't nearly as interesting, the 'caper' came out of left field, and the cast simply did not seem like it was having any fun. Ok, that last part wasn't true, but regardless, audiences definitely expected more. Perhaps the strangest moment in the entire movie was when, in order to steal some fancy jewel-encrusted egg, it is suggested that Tess - female compatriot to the team of ne'er-do-wells - pretend to be Julia Roberts, since she bears a striking resemblance to the actress. Of course, the character is played by real life actress Julia Roberts in a fictional story, so the whole concept is jarring and incredibly meta. Frankly, if they were going to go down this road, the movie should have actually played out like this:

"Hey guys - I have an idea. Tess looks JUST like Julia Roberts. We should totally use her in this heist!"
"Wow, yeah, bro, she looks EXACTLY like Julia Roberts! How did I not realize that shit before?!"
"Boys, how about we focus on how to solve our-"
"That's...amazing. You think we would have realized such a striking resemblance years ago."
"I know, it's str-holy shit, you guys! Look at Rusty for a second - who does HE look EXACTLY like?"
"Whoa! Brad Pitt! Fuck me, dude - you're like, his clone! Fucking nuts, bro!"
"Guys, stop. You all have to stop this now. There's a convoluted heist we have to get to."
"You know, it's funny, I've always kinda thought that, but no one's ever said anything to me."
"Well, I'm saying it. And while we're at it, does anyone think that I look kinda like..."
"Oh, fuck, who's that guy? He was in 'The Perfect Storm' with that douchenozzle George Clooney."
"OMG - do you mean Mark Wahlberg? Are you retarded?"
"Dude, wait a minute! YOU look just like George Clooney!"

"Hey, fuck you bro. I look nothing like that asshole."
"Guys, stop for a minute. Think about EVERYONE we know and have come into contact with, ever."

"Wahlberg's right. Fucking Don Cheadle, Andy Garcia, even that older guy who was totally Ross and Monica's dad on 'Friends'!"
"Ok, c'mon now, let's get back on track. We gotta pretend to fail at this heist, but secretly have everything under control in a secret heist we're not discussing at all. Or something."
"Shut up Tess." "Wait, what about that Asian guy? Who does he look like?" "Jackie Chan?"
"That's pretty racist, Ocean. He actually bears a striking resemblance to internationally acclaimed Peking Acrobats member turned actor Shaobo Qin."
"Wow, someone's a fucking geek."
"Ok, so uh, we're all celebrity lookalikes. Totes sweet. How do we capitalize on this shit?"
"I think it's obvious: we KILL all the actual celebrities and take over their lives, living like kings among men."
"Ye-heah! Sounds like a plan." "Next stop: Hollywood."
"Count me out of the next sequel, assholes."

-Matt

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