Twenty-two years ago, two budding thespians on the road to stardom made a movie together. Their names were Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter. The movie was Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, which was about two time travelling teenagers who pass their high school's history class by literally bringing historical figures back to the present to help give them the necessary edge to their otherwise complete lack of knowledge of world history. This is of course thanks to Rufus (played by the late, great George Carlin), who has traveled from the future in order to ensure that these two stay together in order to become Rock Gods that lead the world to a Utopian society, or something.
That's what I remember at least. I saw this movie at the age of 10, loved it, and plan on never seeing it again, lest my rose-tinted glasses shatter right on my cynical 32 year-old face. (Fun fact: Bill and Ted were actually based on two characters that the writers had created in improv scenes, so keep an eye out for my upcoming screenplay: Blue Collar Porn Addict and Repeated Alien-Sighting Mayor's Terrific Times Together)
After a successful box office debut, Mr. Reeves and Mr. Winter both reprised their roles as Ted. "Theodore" Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esq., respectively, in a not-quite-as-successful sequel, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, as well as a brief animated series, my memories of which are limited to snippets of the theme song, which featured three of their signature catchphrases: "Excellent!" "Bogus!" and "Most Triumphant!"
Now, exactly 20 years since either actor has portrayed their prolific roles in these timeless works of cinema and animated masterpieces, there are talks of a third film being written to close out the inevitable trilogy. Given the incredible disparate paths Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter's careers have taken since 1991, I'd give almost anything to be a fly on the wall the first time they're in a room together once this film begins shooting.
Of course, there's no need to even wonder, because I'm going to play this thing out right now:
"Hey, man, could you get me a Fresca with my turkey club?"
"Keanu! Bro, it's me! Alex Winter!"
"Oh shit, hey! I uh, I'm so sorry man..."
"No problem man! Heh, you know, I didn't even recognize you at first. We're both SO OLD, amiright?"
"Well, there is a blog out there that's all about how I look like I haven't aged a day in 20 years, but sure, I'll roll with that. Anyways, how are you man? What have you been up to?"
"Well, I was on Bones a couple of years ago - that was fun. I played a criminal who liked to eat his victims, so all he left behind were...you guessed it! Bones!! And you know, a lot of muscle too, 'cause human muscle is not really edible. Anyways, right now I got this gig as the Mole King on Saul of the Mole Men. Have you seen Saul of the Mole Men?"
"Can't say that I have..."
"Yeah, well neither have I, actually. The Mole King has some funny lines though, and I'd like to think I did them justice."
"Great man, great. I'm...very happy for you."
"Hey, don't patronize me. I know it's nothing compared to being you know, a big movie star or whatever..."
"I didn't mean to..."
"Didn't mean to WHAT? Make the inevitable comparison to our respective careers? Huh, my time travelling compadre?? Jesus, look at you. You really let Rufus down, you know that?"
"Rufus? You mean, the character from our movies?"
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. You were never the smart one. And of course you still prefer this heinous reality."
"Goddamn it, Kea-nu, you played NEO for Christs sake! Think about it for a minute - why did Rufus tell us to never break up??"
"Uh, fuck, I don't really remember. Our band's music would save the world, or something?"
"Dear God you're so far gone it's PATHETIC. Wyld Stallyns' music was going to bring about a UTOPIA, Ted. As in, a perfect society!"
"Did you just call me Ted?"
"Yeah, I did Ted, or would you prefer I call you Theodore? Man, this is one totally bogus, sorry, SHITTY trip you're taking me on right now. Let's hurry up and get to the set so we can set things right."
"What are you talking about, set what things right?"
"You still don't see it, do you man? We created an alternate timeline, Ted! We took the phone booth one too many times and we wound up in this most un-triumphant world."
"I know it sounds crazy. Even Rufus was brainwashed too. He was out there performing...stand up comedy. He wouldn't listen to me...so I had to put him out of his misery."
"You...killed George Carlin?!?"
"It's ok man! He was just a time-imposter! Once we hop back into the time booth, we can fix everything. We'll stop ourselves from ever making Bogus Journey, I'll make better career choices, and everything will be ok. Come on now, let's go!"
"You're insane. I'm not going anywhere."
"I think this gun with an intimidating white box around it begs to differ."
"Whoa. Ok, Ale-uh, Bill..."
"Say my full name. SAY IT!"
"Ok, ok - Bill S. Preston, Esquire. Happy? You win. I'll go with you.
Hey, I have an idea - why don't we air guitar one more time real quick, for old times' sake?"
"Really? You mean it? I'd love to. What should we air guitar to?"
"To righting wrongs, my most excellent friend."
"Ok! To righting wr-"
"My gun! You...you tricked me. You didn't want to air guitar at all!"
"I couldn't let you do it, Bill."
"Wait, you're still calling me Bill. Does that mean..."
"I still don't really know what to believe. I mean, shit, I wake up most days unsure if I'm trapped in the Matrix, or if at any minute I'm going to be attacked by demons from hell. Also I'm constantly check to see if my mailbox is a portal to the future. Maybe none of it is true, maybe all of it is. I can really never be sure."
"But don't you see? Either way, this reality turned out amazing for me. You gotta respect that, bro. I'm a gazillionaire, I'm banging tons of chicks, and fuck, people follow me around taking pictures of me just eating sandwiches, wondering if I'm sad. This world is obsessed with me!"
"I guess you're right. Why would you want to go back to just being a time-travelling teenager when you already have it all? I'd probably do the same thing in your position."
"So now you understand why I have do this..." [CLICK]
"Yes, I suppose I do..."
"Party on, Bill."
"Party on Te-wait, wasn't it Wayne and Garth that said th-"
"Rest in peace, old friend. And now, to fly away! Hmpppp! Damn. That still doesn't work."
I let my imagine run a little wild there. Wheeeeeeeee!
Interesting fact - although Keanu Reeves has experienced much more commercial/financial success, Alex Winter is now married with children, and much to my surprise (since I knew everything else I reference about him in this post in advance) Keanu Reeves has actually never been married.
Maybe there is something to whole "Sad Keanu," thing huh?
|"How am I still not as happy as HIM!!!"|