Wednesday, March 28, 2012

[Onion-Wedges] Un-Acknowledged Sneeze Leads To Coworker Resentment

AUSTIN - Kyle Penbrook, an employee of Votech Systems, Inc. began to lose all respect for his fellow coworkers Tuesday when his loud sneeze at 3:55pm went completely un-acknowledged. "People heard it, I'm sure," Penbrook wrote in a released statement. "What gets my goat is that no matter what I'm doing - even if I'm on a conference call with one of the VP's - I'll always take a moment to say 'bless you,' if someone sneezes. Or 'geshundheit' if it's Charlie, the Atheist. But apparently I'm not in an office where that level of human decency is reciprocated." After the incident, Penbrook was reported to have turned down an offer to purchase girl scout cookies from a cubicle-mate. He also avoided a conversation about an episode Big Bang Theory that he'd seen, and his last words to everyone around him at the end of the day were a curt: "I'm leaving," instead of his usual: "T.G.I. 5:00 everyone!" Reports found not a single coworker noticed his change in behavior.

[I've had several ideas for Onion-style pieces before, but I've never gotten around to actually writing them. That's all going to change now! Probably. Look for some more of these in the future - Matt]

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