Monday, May 14, 2012

[Onion Wedges] Heaven Receives 3.5 Stars On Yelp

THE AFTERLIFE - After factoring in eight hundred seventy four million reviews, the online search and review service known as Yelp gave Heaven three and a half out of a possible five stars. The low score was due to a surprising number of vitriolic one star reviews from frustrated patrons of the Almighty's Kingdom who were upset by many of the amenities. "I know it's blasphemous to say this, but I'd been waiting to get into heaven for literally my entire life, and when I got here, I was incredibly underwhelmed," wrote Amanda Yeager, who recently succumbed to breast cancer and was admitted past the pearly gates. "The harp sounds playing in the background are uninspired, the clouds actually feel like wet dog under your feet, and the ambrosia? More like am-NO-sia. So pissed to be stuck here for all eternity." Other major complaints against the floating invisible sky land include: lack of earthly pleasures, long lines, a bland decor and 'so many crazy religious people.' As of press time, Hell was scoring an unprecedented perfect five star score, though many have suspected that a positive Yelp review - along with 'liking' and re-tweeting all references to the land of fire and brimstone - is one of the many ironic punishments forced upon the Damned.

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