Thursday, July 5, 2012

[Onion Wedges] New Crossover Comic Book Series To Finally Explain Hypersexuality of Female Characters

One of the panels from The Slutwraith Crisis
NEW YORK - A new 12-part limited comic book series is set to debut next week featuring an unprecedented collaboration between every major comic book publisher in the country. The storyline involves the unfolding of a nefarious plot that will finally explain the questionable lack of clothing, impossible body types and ridiculous poses constantly on display by female characters in every comic book.

The title of the series is: "The Slutwraith Crisis," and it features a crossover storyline decades in the making. Every publisher that has collaborated on the project - including Marvel, DC, and even smaller publishers like Bongo Comics - has agreed to wove the plotline into every single series currently running. Fans will finally discover the reason why nearly every female comic book character wears what amounts to underwear as her uniform, often into combat, while her male counterparts are fully clothed and armored at all times.

The zipper problem plaguing these characters will finally be explained
"It's something that we've been meaning to address for some time, as we've definitely had the storyline in mind ever since we starting introducing female characters into our comics," says Frank Mullaney, one of the writers of The Slutwraith Crisis. Rest assured, we were simply waiting for the right moment to tell this story, and that time is now. This series will answer every question, and what happens will change everything."

The plot revolves around a new villain, Areoyla, the titular Slutwraith of The Slutwraith Crisis. Areoyla is described as "a narcissistic nymphomaniac who detests prudishness and clothing on the female body." She has a sinister plan to travel back to the beginning of time to set in place a magical energy field that will impose upon every female in the universe - good, evil, human, or human-cat hybrid - an overwhelming desire to both reveal themselves and to contort their body in the most alluring way possible at all times.

Areoyla the Slutwraith, shown wearing her additional battle garment
"There's this great scene where Lex Luthor, Magneto, and the Joker are all meeting Areoyla for the first time in the center of her dome-lair," says Karl Singh, an artist with Marvel who worked on the project. "Normally a lot of these supervillains would bicker and it would be difficult for them to work together, but Areoyla convinces them that her plan is in everyone's breast interest. Oops, wait, did I just say 'breast interest?' Sorry, slip of the tongue. Actually, that reminds me: she also gets Dr. Octopus on board to create this special add-on ray that will increase breast sizes by like, 200% across the board."

Word on the street is comic book fans can't wait to check out the series. One eager fan said: "Sure, it's unnecessary ret-conning, but I hear the fights are awesome. Apparently Power Girl and Areoyla get into this twenty page cat-fight on Druckmar, the mud planet. And in case you think Areoyla was this one dimensional villain, they devote a lot of time to her origin story as a stripper sex slave on Apokolips."

Just a few small examples of the curse of the Slutwraith at work
Dan Xeller, who runs the comic book fansite Ink or GTFO received an advanced copy of the series and discussed the final act at length on the site. [SPOILER ALERT] According to Xeller, the male members of the Justice League and the Avengers (all female heroes are, over the course of the series, kidnapped and forced to serve as the Slutwraith's slaves) team up and travel back in time to stop Areoyla. Unfortunately, they are distracted at the last minute by an impossibly sexy pose where she shows off her breasts, ass and inexplicably, vagina as well. Shortly afterward, the energy field is generated and is established to be totally irreversible, thus leaving the Slutwraith's curse a permanent after-effect in every single universe.  Naturally, this fully explains any hyper-sexualized behavior by a female character in the past, present or future.

"Sure, it's pretty dark," Xeller said, "but the heroes don't always win in real life, you know? I think that's the real lesson they're trying to show here."

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