Sunday, September 2, 2012

[Onion Wedges] Feminists and Perverts Form A Tenuous Alliance Over Topless Law

A local feminist protests topless laws in New York start, while left, a local pervert fervently supports her

NEW YORK - Feminists and perverts rarely have any common ground to stand on, but this past week both groups came together in droves over a cause that was equally important in each of their minds. The topic at hand was the topless law in the New York State that prevents women from being able to openly expose their bare breasts. Taking to the streets, a chorus of vocal feminists threw off their shirts and bras and picked up megaphones and signs instead to protest a law they feel is sexist and discriminatory. Moments later, an equally large group of horny perverts emerged on the scene, ready to back their cause.

"We're happy to get all the help we can get in this fight," said Debby Glauser, a lawyer and a mother of two. "The more people they see out here in the streets, the more they're going to know that...oh come on Stan! Can you stop taking pictures with your phone for thirty seconds and maybe hand out some fliers, please?"

Despite some initial discomfort, both sides seemed willing to put past differences aside to come together for what they both see as antiquated law. Working together, the groups formed two large circles to represent the female breasts, with all the topless feminists in the center, representing the nipples, and the perverted protesters all represented the outer portion of the breast, surrounding the women and facing inward.

"This law is something I've been saying is bullshit for years," said Matt Bowman, a locksmith and total perv. "And I just want to say, I can and will support all these women in whatever way they need," he said, winking several times in the process. "Especially if that smokin' hot redhead from Mad Men is coming to this."

As of a press time, the topic of the new law gaining a 'groping clause' had gone from a casual joke between the two groups to a heated debate.

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