Tuesday, July 30, 2013

[Onion Wedges] 22nd Century Time Traveler Claims Our Tragic Future Is Not Worth Worrying About At This Point

[AUSTIN] In the eight days since he appeared in a flash of indigo light, confirmed time traveler Declan Yeun has done everything in his power to be ignored. He claims that, while he does have explicit knowledge of the future horrors that humanity will soon be facing, it is far too late to do anything remotely useful, and that the best thing for everyone to do would be to just enjoy the time they have left.

"The truth is someone in my time had a major goof, they must have hit the wrong button or whatever, and since time travel is a one-way trip, I'm basically stuck in a period when I'm no good to anyone," Yeun said. "Please just carry on and pretend I'm not here. Before you do though, could someone point me in the direction of a Chipotle, or some other meat-serving establishment?"

Declan Yeun, in a futuristic 'swirl-o-suit,' which he stated: "will be the only way to "stave off cancer rays" without any additional context.
After painting a brief but harrowing vision of what kind of ecological and economic disasters are about to plague the world, changing life as we know it forever, Yeun claimed that he was meant to travel back a century earlier, when our impending doom could actually be averted.

"My goal was to play this vidcapsule to 1913 societies everywhere that shows what happens over the next 200 years, and let them know of the many small but feasible changes required to give their descendants a fighting chance. You know, when there were less than seven billion people fighting over the limited resources available on this planet. But here, in this time? Pfffffffffff....yeah, it's way too late."

Yeun soon relocated to a small beach in Costa Rica where, in between yoga lessons, he's continued to answer questions from teams of scientists, politicians and reporters from his bungalow:

"Look, the 2113 guys crunched the numbers. This era's a runaway train that can't be stopped. I mean, if every last one of you immediately gave up on oil, fossil fuels, and every form of non-clean energy tomorrow, you could possibly make a difference. But you'd also have to stop all of your wars, dismantle every nuclear armaments on the entire planet, collectively switch to vegetarianism, and effectively all stop voting Republican." After leaving a dramatic pause to sip from his soy latte, Yeun continued: "So...yeah. You should really just enjoy this while it lasts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a swim in some non-toxic ocean water."

On a more positive note, the man from the 22nd century - who has since traded in his futuristic biosuit for a stylish pair of khakis and a polo shirt from Banana Republic - has begun spreading the word about the few good things that humanity has coming its way:

"I could go on and on about the lava quakes or the genital plague all day, or I could tell you guys about how frangin' awesome your television shows are going to be over the new few years. There's going to be this kickass show about an elephant detective, this one reality show where everyone's always using stun guns on each other, and then there's that one amazing HBO drama about a team of scientists who save the world from falling apart right in the nick of time. It's high-fantasy, obviously, but it's well written and uplifting in a way pretty much nothing else will be after that. Oh - and you guys haven't even seen the final seasons of Mad Men or Breaking Bad yet! They're really great. They were actually playing them in a retrospective at our Museum of Cultural Achievements just before roving marauders tore the whole place down."

Lately Yeun has had limited contact with the press, spending most of his time attempting to form a long form improv team and creating a believable OKCupid profile. When asked during his most recent appearance if there were anything meaningful that could be done here in this time, Yeun mulled over the question for some time before responding:

"I urge you all to take a long hard look at each of your lives, and ask yourselves what's the most impor-oh wait! Is James Gandolfini still alive? No? Man, that's a shame. Actually, while we all still have electricity, we should totally have a Sopranos marathon."

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